A Girl in the affair
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: Sequel to "Yes, my darling daughter", following Jill Sobule's song of the same name. WK fic
1. Grace

**A Girl in the affair**

_**Our love is freedom, our love is free from**_

_**All those married things that raise their ugly heads**_

Grace:

She left for her lunch break and never came back. In most of the cases, we would all have reacted immediately but with Karen, everything was different. She had this power to turn your life upside down and yet make it incredibly bright, unique. She told me she had an appointment; perhaps I should have been more attentive.

The last time I saw her she was wearing a deep red, knee-length dress; with matching lipstick, black stilettos. She had done her hair in a very well studied bun and didn't have any earrings. I don't remember the color of her coat or the brand of her bag. I have just kept in mind the fact that when she turned around and looked at me _ already halfway in the doorframe _ she was smiling shyly.

I should have known better because when Karen dares to appear weakly, it means she needs help; I didn't do the slightest thing and ignored her request.

I wonder if she had planned it all, her sort of dramatic getaway; a mysterious escape like in some road movie. I tend to think that she hadn't, for whatever reason. I don't want to think about this eventuality. It emphasizes my guilt for not having been a good friend, for not having listened to her and been able to understand that she wasn't so fine at the end.

If I could go back in time of course I would change it all but unfortunately I know it's impossible so if I ever see her again _ which I hope more than anything _ I want to tell her how sorry I am for not having been there; and how I miss her too. She's not a mere friend to me but a lot more that I can't really explain.

I'm not scared, just confused about the reason why she left. She's a responsible person so unless her disappearance has been decided by someone else, I know she will overcome it and get whatever her aim is. She can trust me. She can trust the whole of us; I hope she didn't forget about it. And no matters what she did, her place is still here for me.

I want to tell her all these things, at least once because if I don't, I will never forgive myself for it.

Karen, April 2000:

Whenever she closed her eyes, she thought about Will. The memories of their last night spent together was still so vivid that she could almost feel his hands caress her hips, his lips on her bare shoulders and the heat of his body in hers. And it burnt her throat, tightened her heart; got her vision blurry behind a veil of cries.

She cast a glance at her watch; 11pm in New York. Was he waiting for her at the hotel? Had he already taken his clothes off and was now leafing through a magazine, vaguely wondering why she was so late when she used to be there the first; why whenever he tried to call her, all he could hear was the monotone sound of her voice on a message. Perhaps he hadn't reached this stage yet and was just anticipating what would never happen anymore except in his quiet fantasies if he did so, as she did.

Everything had speeded up lately. Their relationship had evolved according to a rhythm she hadn't been able to follow properly but was just realizing it now. Had the change been sudden or, on the contrary, the slowness of it was responsible before the fact she hadn't noticed anything? When had they started spending more time together, almost every night? When had her heart begun to beat faster as soon as her mind settled down its wonders on him?

An average of four days a week, six weeks in a row; how could she have missed it?

The plane went through turbulences and she tightened her grip on her seat, swallowed hard. She had always hated travelling, always hated moving out for some logical reasons. But it had taken her forty-one years to realize that it was all she actually knew about when everything turned bad and she had subconsciously adopted her mother's behaviors; ironical destiny.

Six weeks… She bit her lower lip and tried to get some sleep but of course she only managed to focalize on Will.

xxxxxxx

"The Ritz, please…"

She was exhausted and felt sick. The flight had lasted more than what she had ever travelled and for her mind being so confused she hadn't been able to get some rest at all. The taxi drove off from the airport. She leaned against the window of the car and narrowed her eyes at the driver, wondering if he had understood what she had just said to him. Maybe he didn't speak English after all; she should have thought about it before, bought a dictionary or something.

The suburbs speeded past in front of her tired eyes; she was already feeling homesick. It seemed so different from America that it was actually extremely intimidating. For a couple of seconds she thought about stopping the car and get the first flight back to New York. Who could assure her that she had made the right choice while coming to Asia? Perhaps her mother wasn't even there anymore; she hadn't got any news, as established by her own rules. She was regretting it now, a lot more than what she would have imagined.

She put on her sunglasses but the tears nonetheless reached her lips, leaving a salty taste in her mouth; a burning sensation on her heart.

How could she ever handle a new life at forty-one? It was too late, now.


	2. Jack

**_Our love is distant, there's no commitment_**

**_There might be something better up ahead instead_**

Jack:

I knew that something was going wrong. I asked her about it but like every time she simply came back into retreat and refused my help; not even pretending the slightest thing, just smiling at me. I know it probably surprises a lot of people but Karen and I aren't so close at the end. Our friendship is peculiar, yet unique but it has nothing to do with the seriousness she used to share with Will and Grace. I would lie if I said that I don't care but I guess it just came up by itself.

We settled down it all the first time we met, during the first seconds. For whatever reason we got rid of the traditional schemes of adults' behavior; perhaps it was already a sort of escape from the heaviness of a life we didn't like that much. And it worked out. It worked out so well… Whenever we were together, the lightness of a lost time invaded us back and we felt fine, innocent; deprived of any kind of anxiety. We left our problems behind and laughed at the world as if we were untouchable. It was good, even for a mere minute.

But it also implied the fact that we would never be able to share the most terrifying moments of our lives.

She says she's heartless, that emotions stopped reaching her for a very long while. Of course it's only a poor excuse, the only awkward solution she found to protect herself from the harshness of the world. But when the doors get closed and her audience leaves, Karen turns off the lights _ drops out her mask _ and bursts silently into cries. Alone; she hates when people witness her in such a weak moment. She can't bear the idea that a third person might actually feel sorry for her. She lives it as a failure; I assume it's just the consequence of her unbalanced childhood.

The only time she opened her heart to me, it only lasted half an hour. She had thought that she might have been pregnant and wanted me to be there with her. Moral support; she has no idea how her request touched me. Maybe as a sign for our friendship that we weren't supposed to experience such things together, it turned out into a false alert and life went on. She never came back to me after that but from then on I learned to scan the truth through her eyes.

She's not so good at lying, you know. Her hazel eyes seem to lose their sparkle when she does and she looks aside, vaguely blushes.

I don't know why she left without any warning but I'm not surprised that she didn't tell me about it; it just kind of hurts. I wish she could trust me.

Karen, April 2000:

She almost slept for three days in a row then when she finally adapted herself to the local time she started feeling sad and homeless. For a whole week she stayed locked in her suite, not even daring to look by the window at the boiling life of the hype district she had landed in, just in case it would only emphasized the fact she should have never come to Asia.

She took advantage of her seclusion to investigate about her mother's situation, sending emails to a dozen of people susceptible to help her in her quest. Turning on the computer was a torture in itself. She had received a lot of messages from Stanley, Jack, Will and Grace. Their names on the screen were shouting at her to open the missives and read them but she took a deep breath and simply ignored the bold letters of the titles; never managed to delete any of them though.

Time was passing by and she felt stuck in the nets of her past, unable to move forward and take the slightest decision when she had to; for herself, for the way her life had turned. And as ironical as it appeared, the only person who could actually helped her was her mother.

A week and a half after her awkward arrival, she got confirmation that Lois was still in town. With a barely contained effervescence, she wrote down on a paper the address and stepped into a shower. The water was hot against her skin, oppressing. All of a sudden a wave of nausea spread over her body and she hurried out to the toilets, naked and soaked wet while the shower was still running.

"It's okay. It's nothing…"

Her lips were dry and her hands were violently shaking; she felt dizzy, the room spinning around. A veil of tears began to invade her face for feeling so scared and so lonely; so far from everything, from Will.

xxxxxxx

For a couple of seconds, she wondered if the driver had one more time understood what she had previously told him. Grabbing back the paper, she compared her note to the number on the wooden door; frowned. It was correct.

Children were playing on the dirty ground on her right, barely paying attention to her. An hen brushed her ankle and made her jump of surprise, a vague expression of disgust on her face. Asia had never been a continent she used to appreciate and even less now that she was plunged in the rickety shack of poor suburbs that surrounded the giant metropolis. Why would her mother have chosen such a place to live in? She apparently owned a house but in the middle of what looked more like a _favela _than a respectable, safe area.

She swallowed hard, bit her lower lip and knocked on the door.

She could have turned around and left immediately, not waiting for the door to open if it ever had to. She could have come back to the nearest avenue and asked for a cab then reached downtown and the luxury of The Ritz; far from the misery of what politicians obviously were very talented at hiding. As a matter of fact she was about to do it when her stomach squeezed, oppressed her heart.

Then Lois appeared.

Of course she looked surprised and remained quiet for a couple of minutes, staring at Karen standing up in front of her. But she didn't go away, didn't push her; that was something she had never done. She couldn't resign herself to such a low reaction, especially when it came to one of her children.

Karen began to shake uncontrollably; her heart was pounding loud in her chest. She opened her mouth to speak but all what came up was a torrent of tears. She threw herself in her mother's arms, feeling vaguely right for the first time since her incomprehensible flight.

"I need you, mom…"

Her sobs disappeared in Lois' neck who simply planted a kiss on her daughter's head; stroked her hair softly.


	3. Will

**_Our love is so safe, you live in another state_**

**_It's just the sad fate, to be the girl in the affair_**

Will:

I just thought that she hadn't paid attention to the time passing by; that she was at Barney's or something and hadn't checked her watch. It didn't look like her at all but you know what it is when we don't want to face something unusual. So I just waited there, at the hotel.

But she never appeared.

Karen and I is a very complex story. I wish I could explain it all but the truth is that even after all these years I still don't understand most of it. I just live it, let myself be taken away by our strange routine and try to enjoy it at the best. It works out pretty well, on a cruel way. Don't you think it's sad to be able to get detached from what it's good and what it's not so easily? Or maybe we're just lying to ourselves and do care a lot more than what we accept to say.

The first time we kissed, I wasn't feeling lonely or sad; not particularly in need of anything. It just happened, on the roof of building at the intersection of Broadway and 25th. There was this party where we didn't know anyone but each other. Grace and Jack hadn't been invited and before knowing why Karen was in my arms. We were kissing.

She has soft lips and is quite shy when she kisses me. It's like she's actually giving a lot more while doing so, a part of herself; her insecurities. I loved that immediately. That's why I accepted our silent deal.

I guess we can say that our encounters are pretty regular. To be completely honest, I have never tried to keep this kind of aspect in mind. It breaks the spell, doesn't it? No matters an affair is not about magic. There's still this sparkle, this little flame that makes you grin and want for more; as creepy as the situation is at the end.

I didn't notice anything the last time we met. As a matter of fact, we didn't speak a lot by then; we weren't there for that. It's the satisfying side of adultery; the absence of commitment, of conventionalism. The freedom releases our inhibitions and they vanish in the air with the easiness of a gaze, the boldness of a caress.

I never knew what was in her head. A lot of people think we are close, somehow. But the truth is that it's only physical and she never really confessed anything about herself. This is Karen, the mystery that wanders through her head. She used to kiss me then she left, always.

I enjoy men's company over women but I love being with Karen. I love being with her and I miss her smiles, her giggles.

Was she only pretending all along? You don't leave behind when they're important to you; life is too short for that. I'm not angry, just sad that she stopped thinking about me.

Karen, May 2000:

The door cracked open and let the light of the day enter the room in a timid motion. Turned against the wall, she didn't move; just observed the figure of her mother approaching her slowly. Lois sat down on the edge of the bed; the mattress absorbed the weight of her body and she passed her hand through her daughter's hair.

"Will you ever speak to me, Kiki?"

Karen had arrived two weeks earlier, rushed in her mother's arms and plunged in a deep silence from then on. All what people could guess was how sad she was by the way she tended to prefer the darkness of a bedroom to the boiling life of the city. She kept on eating in a mechanical gesture, just the required amount to survive and provide the essential needs to her body. She didn't want to die but on the contrary start living brightly; feel relieved.

She didn't cry, barely moved. Her hazel eyes were fixed on the wall in front of her and whenever she was falling asleep, Will came back to her mind. And the worst of all was that it wasn't bitter or harsh but so sweet.

"Karen… You're scaring me."

"I need to see a doctor."

Lois' hand got suspended in the air as a gasp made Karen turn around.

"Are you sick?"

She shook her head, shrugged; frowned. The words were boiling in her stomach, giving her nausea. She felt hot, oppressed and yet so cold. Her heart was pounding loudly in her chest and all of a sudden she remembered _ ironically enough _ the first time she had got her period. She was twelve but in the same anxious, almost ashamed state than now and it had taken her so long before daring to confess the slightest thing to her mother.

But she had got it at the end.

"I'm pregnant."

She stared at her mother's features, the way she stayed still; speechless. A few seconds passed by before Lois eventually replied but Karen anticipated it.

"Is…"

"No. It's Will."

"Are you sure?"

"Stanley and I haven't shared the slightest intimate moment since last November. We're in May now."

"No… I mean, are you sure you're pregnant?"

Karen rolled her eyes and sighed, wishing nothing but the situation be different; if only she could be wrong.

"I got an appointment in New York. It was too early for an ultra-sound picture but… Yeah, the results were positive."

She swallowed back painful tears and smiled weakly before daring to let the dreadful words she had been thinking about since the very beginning go out and hit the air with the harshness of a bare reality.

"I'm too old for a baby, aren't I? I'm forty-one… It's my last chance… Why does it have to be such a dilemma at the end?"


	4. Stanley

**_Our love is secret but it's so grown up_**

**_No one has to suspect anything at all_**

Stanley:

I know where she is, why she left. Karen is smart so if she really had wanted to disappear, she wouldn't have taken a flight and kept on paying with her credit cards. It means she doesn't care that much and trusts me enough to give her time. Her decision won't surprise me; I might even feel relieved at the end. I just would have never imagined that she would make the first step into what looks like our own logic of failure.

She never loved me, only abdicated to the idea that I wasn't so bad and perhaps one day her feelings would change. Our relationship didn't work out at all. It has been a series of dry attempts to give a semblance of light to a lifeless conception. So we argued, pushed by our frustration not to reach a real state of happiness.

Something happened four years ago. We simply stopped, tired of trying dead-end solutions. She found a job and very soon I think she realized that she could get more without me.

The world 'infidelity' is scaring but weirdly enough as soon as you're concerned by it, it loses all its strength and falls into a sort of normality. She never confessed anything; never even alluded to the possibility that she might have met someone who brought to her what I didn't. But she started smiling, laughing with this sparkle in her eyes that makes life seem so bright. It wasn't too late for me. Sometimes there's just no connection, no spell. We have no hold over it.

I have never tried to know who he was. Maybe he's also married; I seriously doubt about it though. Karen is not unfaithful except according to our vows but we're not a couple, have never been one. Our situation is different, yet very awkward. She never cheated on anyone.

The truth is that I'm not sure if she will ever come back here, to Manhattan. We might not have fallen in love with each other but I still learned a lot about her. We've been married for so long, living in the same house. She has no self-confidence that she hides behind a high note of a fake one. She doesn't trust people very easily and that's why she remains quiet over her feelings most of the times. She's the exact opposite of whom she claims to be, needs to be reassured and backed up. She sleeps on the left side of the bed, prefers baths to showers and is allergic to cinnamon. Her favorite color is red; she has a thing for Bob Dylan. She says it reminds her of Sarah Laurence.

She made of her fragility her singular strength but she's still delicate at the end; a subtle mix of emotions you have to soften and ease.

I think he does; whoever her companion is. But for whatever reason, I'm sure that she left without him.

Karen, May 2000:

"I'm pregnant."

The words didn't hit the air this time but softly slid along her lips and seemed to float around her face, against her ears. She blinked at the image of her body in the mirror, passed a hand over her stomach. The absence of emotions troubled her a lot. How come she didn't feel the slightest thing about it? She didn't manage to determine if she was supposed to be happy, in the expectation or completely broken. Maybe the problem actually resulted in this 'supposed to feel'. Rules always had exceptions; she was probably a part of them.

She clasped her bra but made a face. It was too small, not so comfortable anymore and all of a sudden she felt scared. She had a lot of difficulties to deal with the mere notion of change so now it directly touched her body, it was worse. She would have loved being able to share it with her friends besides; people who meant so much to her, with Will.

She sighed and rolled her eyes as a well-known pain began to invade her throat. It was always the same as soon as she dared to think about him. Why did she have to leave in order to realize how she needed him in her fragile life?

xxxxxxx

"Perfect now you can lay down… And we're going to see if everything is alright. Are you ready?"

No, she wasn't at all but as she had no choice, she nonetheless nodded and bit subconsciously the inside of her mouth. Her mother hadn't been able to come with her and she was now alone for the first ultra-sound picture. It sounded sad, almost shameful as if the whole world had turned her down in her quest for giving life; as if she wasn't supported in her decision and should see it as sign to think again about abortion, maybe.

The image finally appeared a little less blurry on the screen and without any warning a series of heartbeats pierced the silence of the room on a strange, extremely peculiar cadence. Before the dark gaze of the scientist, she swallowed hard and cleared her voice nervously.

"Is everything alright? I know I have some risks because of my age but… Please, tell me what's happening."

"Do you have siblings, Karen?"

The question took her aback but she had no time to think about the reasons why the scientist had come up with it and in the precipitation, she simply answered; very briefly.

"Yes, I do. I have a brother and a sister."

"Is one of them your twin?"

"Yes, my brother is."

The scientist finally abandoned her thoughts and she locked her eyes for the very first time with Karen's; bit her lower lip.

"We might need to talk about the eventuality of a multiple pregnancy."

"What do you mean by 'eventuality'?"

"Well, you are basically expecting twins."


	5. Beverley

**_But when you come visit me you give your love_**

**_So openly if only for just one week_**

Beverley:

I met Karen a very long time ago when she was still a student at Sarah Laurence. She was dating some acquaintance of mine and was still very naïve about the high society process. I remember the delicacy of her innocence that for some reason I appreciated. She might have been a novice but yet owned a singular presence. She never looked like the other, looked like anyone else. If there's something we all should know about Karen is her uniqueness.

We started speaking and hit it off pretty quickly against all expectations. My reputation tends to let people think that I lack patience and only pretend to be nice with beginners to get from them a proper, selfish satisfaction. It didn't happen with Karen for her being so different. I guess I just fell for her, platonically.

From parties to parties, we finally decided to meet out of our busy schedules. We reached a point when we used to share two or three meals a week. I liked the vivacity of her mind, the intelligence of her thoughts and the effectiveness of her comments. She has a thing to make people believe that she's kind of stupid _ sometimes _ but the truth is that she's very smart. She's fond of psychology, reads an impressive amount of essays about incomprehensible theories. She has a thing for those complex words, odd notions. She seems to be in a perpetual quest but the passing of time would have made her forget about the exact essence of it.

She eventually got married, divorced and then she met Stanley. Our relation broke into pieces at this exact moment. She's the one who went away; I had become addicted.

We don't hate each other, it's just a game; Karen is a teaser. We never argued or anything, we simply went on with our lives and closed the parenthesis we shared once but the memories stay. Our sweetness found another away to express itself, that's all.

I learned about her disappearance a couple of days later when gossip began to spread around. I might have been her confident once but it's over now so I have no idea where she went to, why. I'm sure that her marriage wasn't satisfying; did she have an affair? I would say probably, as scandalous as she would think it is. She still has to learn that her principles don't always match reality. I used to tell her that at the beginning.

Anyway if she needs to speak, she knows where to find me.

Karen, June 2000:

"It is a sunny, warm day, Kiki. Would you like to go to the park with me?"

From her bed Karen shook her head then turned her back at her mother. The days seemed to have plunged into a dry torpor and they were all the same, so gray. She had left The Ritz and moved in temporarily at her mother's place but like the rest of her life, the situation lacked serious, balanced plans and so she stayed in bed all day long; thinking about Will, trying to remember the taste of his lips.

It had turned into a bittersweet obsession rocked by her deep boredom and her broken heart; the shapes of her body changing little by little. She missed Manhattan, her friends; the skyline in the first hours of the morning. But as soon as she dared to think about booking a flight to go back to America, her heartbeats speeded up their pace and she looked down at her stomach, realizing that she simply couldn't do that.

Her pregnancy paralyzed her for it being secretive but also for not having someone to share it with; the father of the babies. Lois was there, doing her best, but the truth was that they didn't manage to turn the page completely over the past and so a veil of awkwardness was permanently floating above their heads, upon their shoulders.

"You can't stay here until your water breaks. This is not a life. Go out for a walk…"

"I have to rest. The doctor said it."

"Then come with me in the backyard and sit down on a deckchair. You need to see the daylight."

"I'm too tired for that."

Lois sighed, resigned and disarmed. She timidly sat down on the edge of the mattress, studied the room blankly. Her daughter hadn't hung anything on the walls that were still bare and sad before the minimalist decoration. As a matter of fact Karen had simply drawn a line under the idea to belong to a place if not to her whole life; it had been too tiring and ineffective until now so why would it change suddenly?

"Karen, honey… You should call him."

"Have you lost your mind? I will certainly not do that!"

"But he has the right to know. You can't do that to him; it's not fair."

"Nothing is fair in this story, absolutely nothing."

"You will change your mind when you're ready."

Lois planted a kiss on Karen's forehead and left. The door got closed, stealing the pale light of the outside and very soon Karen found herself back in the darkness, alone with her thoughts and the silence of her regrets.

Very slowly she rolled on her back and laid a hand on her stomach. It wasn't so flat anymore and seemed tensed though she still could barely imagine the millions of things that were happening inside, the process of life setting off little by little; day after day. Only images of science class were coming back to her mind through incomprehensible schemes of naïve drawings. Her heart softened for a moment when she concentrated on it but very soon her eyes scanned the room and the empty place, next to her.

She wasn't made for the quietness of loneliness.


	6. Lois

**_The girl in the affair, she's not supposed to care_**

**_But she did this time and she's breaking every rule_**

Lois:

I can't go on like that and pretend that everything is perfectly right. Because it's not and she's suffering when it should be one of the most beautiful moments of her life. I have to do something, for her. I simply hope that she will understand and accept my gesture.

When my husband died, I lost interest in life. The feeling never really faded away but a couple of hours passed by and imposed back to me another reality: I had three children and they needed me. So I put aside the bitterness of the loss and tried to move forward. It didn't work out at all because my heart refused to follow. This is exactly how I began to ruin everybody's life; awkwardly and subconsciously enough since all I wanted to do in the first place was to give them the best I could.

I failed in my mother role, from the very beginning to the end. There's nothing worst, no harsher sentiment that you can resend. You wake up every day facing the result of your selfishness and you wonder if you really deserved the chance to have children. I couldn't assume a family without the man I had married and loved so much. I just became a sort of substitute deprived of logic.

For whatever reason, Karen is the one who had the most difficulties with those changes. Her sister was still too young to fully understand when her brother simply turned quiet and accepted the situation through an instinctive motion of vague virility.

Karen isn't weak but on the contrary extremely strong; and stubborn. She never gives up easily and is not afraid to disagree with people. She hates conflicts but finds in them the honest resonance of her self-confidence. I'm not surprised that she's the one who succeeded the best. She hasn't realized it yet, doesn't want to because she knows that then, she won't have any excuse left. She took her time and went away to go on with her existence. She understood very early that the rest depended on her and that her mistakes would guide her towards a balanced harmony. She learned a lot from them, still does as a matter of fact. But the last step to make is the hardest one.

She needs help.

She didn't tell me the whole story; when she exactly decided to leave, in what kind of circumstances. She got scared by the way the events had turned and the fact she didn't control everything, no matter the amount of time she could spend on making plans. And so she thought about her past because when we're lost, we always turn back to it to find references. That's why she ran away; exactly as I kept on doing as soon as things began to weigh heavily.

Maybe it's my last chance to do something important and right for one of my children. I'm not allowed to let her go on like that. She came to me; it must a sign, a silent but still explicit one.

Karen, June 2000:

Five months and a half; she rolled on her back and observed the ceiling, trying desperately to ignore the pain stirred up by her tensed stomach. The last medical exam had been reassuring and hopeful but the weight of the babies seemed to steal the least ounce of her energy. Two months more and she would have to make plans, think about a future she still saw as uncertain and blurry but she had no choice and the countdown had begun. She couldn't remain hidden and silent for so long.

Her priority would probably be Stanley; a logical divorce. But the mere thought of it was enough to set off a fit of pure anxiety and as her blood pressure increased, the babies started moving painfully.

She closed her eyes and took long, deep breaths in order to calm her cardiac rhythm. Her fingers slid on her waist before caressing her stomach slowly.

The truth was that she wasn't dealing so well with her pregnancy. She had always imagined that like any woman, she would love every single moment of it but the reality was a lot more complicated. She didn't manage to enjoy the idea of people growing inside of her. It was weird, incomprehensible and extremely disturbing. Perhaps her homesickness played a large part on her constant discomfort but she had finally abdicated to the idea that it was vain and she wasn't made for it; bitter realization.

She turned on her side and grabbed the phone, pushed by the urge that had been inhabiting her for quite a while now. Some days she simply observed the receiver and didn't move. On bolder ones, sadder ones, she started dialing the number but always put an end to it before hearing the tone. She hated her cowardice and the nonsense of her acts. It was childish, absurd. She had taken the decision to go away so why would she ever try to call him now? It was too late. She had to assume it all, no matter how wrong it sounded.

She put back the phone on its base and fell asleep.

xxxxxx

The softness of a light touch _ a feather caressing her skin, the warm breeze of a sunny day _ woke her up slowly. She opened her eyes and looked at the wall in front of her, still half-asleep. A couple of hours had probably flown away in the strangeness of a fuzzy dream she couldn't remember very well.

Her brain was still wandering through the nets of her nap when a sudden contact against her ear made her gasp and freeze.

A kiss, hands sliding over hers; the delirium of her quiet hopes immediately settled her fantasies over Will but she was way too far from him. Why did reality always end up ruining the sweetness of a couple of dreams?

Second kiss; her heartbeats speeded up their pace and a chill ran down her spine at the sound of the voice in her back.

"Are you ever going to look at me?"

She turned around; swallowed hard. If she had had to be honest, it wasn't the first time she had this kind of vision. She had played this scene so many times in her head, by night when the coldness of the bed emphasized the warmness of another time. That might be why she didn't say the slightest thing but simply enjoyed the sweet illusion of her facing Will. He hadn't shaved yet, probably delayed in his daily routine by the supposed long flight separating America from Asia. Wearing a gray shirt, he was kneeled on the floor and kept on smiling intently; too quiet for him belonging to reality.

She was about to go back to sleep and close the bitter parenthesis when the object of her dreams moved his hand. Her eyes widened as she followed the movement until the contact occurred with her cheek. She gasped. She had never managed to touch him while sleeping.

Lost in an incomprehensible cloud of mixed feelings, her hazel eyes got locked with his, looking for an answer; the acceptance of her apologies for such a long silence. His fingers slid on her chin, went down to her stomach where the palm of his hand spread over hers before ended up in an intertwined sculpture that put a definitive end to her doubts.

She let him lean over, capture her lips. The pressure accumulated for the past five months rushed through her veins and reached her heart with strength, releasing with a sweet violence all her silenced feelings.

Will deepened the kiss. Karen burst into tears.


	7. Karen

**_She's handing her heart to you_**

**_The girl in the affair, girl in the affair_**

Karen:

Nothing is over; nothing really begins either. I'm halfway between those both notions, unable to choose or fully understand why I'm standing there today, how I came to this point. I don't know what I want but the passing of time is becoming oppressing and very soon I will have to make a decision and assume it for the rest of my life.

I'm pregnant. The word resounds in my head with an implacable logic that hurts my so-called pride and softens my self-confidence. I'm not fine at all and for the very first time in my existence, dying almost looks like an appealing solution. This is a shameful idea that I can't even say out loud, that I can't pronounce while looking at my reflection in the mirror. It reminds me of adolescence and all these things we're so angry against. But it's overplayed and loses automatically a bit of its honesty.

I don't understand anything; we've always been careful. It shouldn't have happened. I really didn't want to.

These aren't happy news, I'm sorry to say it because I know it must sound scandalous. It's not the right time anymore. I missed my chance but get along with it at the end. Being a mother at forty-one years old, doesn't that seem ridiculous? By the time they go to college, I will be in age to look like their grandmother. They will hate me for that, for not belonging to their generation and so be a constant obstacle to what they will name a normal and happy life. There's nothing worst than disappointment for a child; I know what I'm talking about and there's no way for me to repeat what I had to face once.

I didn't try to disappear but go away in order to think about the situation. I needed time, calm and an environment that wouldn't remind me constantly of my day-to-day problems. I was also probably hopeful about the relations between my mother and I. We went through so many things but I never managed to draw a definitive line under her, as much as I pretended to. Perhaps it's just impossible so all we have to do is adapt ourselves to each other's opinions, ways of thinking.

She supported me, opened her arms and tried to comfort my lonely heart. It worked out but wasn't enough. I can't believe she called Will.

I can't believe he came.

It scares me. I'm not ready for what's happening. Twins, a new relationship, a divorce from Stanley; life is speeding up its pace and makes me feel dizzy. I'm not sure I can handle it even though Will is here, next to me. I wish we could go back in time, maybe meet ten years earlier and have the chance to take our time. My love stories never worked before so why would it change with him? It's not just a matter of feelings; there's a part _ fate or coincidence _ that we don't control.

I have to make a decision, the last one.

Stay with him; leave away one more time

Karen, July 2000:

The sound of the rain hitting against the window woke her up. It wasn't a soft rhythm but a stormy lullaby where the strength of the elements was finding a resonance in gray, heavy clouds full of electricity and humid atmosphere.

She opened her eyes and fixed the bad weather for a couple of seconds; just the required time for her brain to adapt itself back to reality. She had always hated waking up. It was like breaking some hopes into pieces, the softness of innocent and sweet ideas deprived of responsibilities and seriousness. It left on her mind a bitter taste of having been cheated on like at the end of a movie when the trailers appeared and you finally realized that what you had just lived had been fictive.

His regular breath on her neck let her understand that he was still sleeping. So she got up, very slowly, quietly; left the bedroom.

The flat was plunged into a peaceful silence of the end of a summer afternoon. The traffic on Riverside was vaguely piercing through a half-open window as the sun seemed to slide with sensuality on the hardwood floor of the living-room. Karen stopped and looked around, scanning her emotions. Had she really missed the place? She couldn't say so; didn't know anything anymore. Her situation seemed even more troubled than when she was still in Asia spending her whole day dreaming about nothing but coming back to New York City.

But now she was here, she still felt weird.

Her hazel eyes got fixed on her prominent stomach. She had few chances to actually give birth on her due date. If the contractions she had been resenting since her return to America persisted, they would have to set off the labor earlier. It hadn't been a surprise but she still had difficulties to deal with it.

_I still don't know what I'm supposed to do, how to live. People's expectations have never matched any of my choices. _

_Leave or stay…_

_Just go away_

Without realizing it, Karen found herself heading towards the door. She had put her shoes on in a mechanical gesture, had grabbed a velvet jacket; even thought about an umbrella. It was like her mind had turned off the light before her eyes but her brain had kept on moving forward, on its own.

The metallic doorknob sent shivers to her spine as her hand made contact with it. She opened the door. The corridor was empty, vaguely darkened by the gray weather. Jack wasn't home yet and the door of his apartment was still closed. She looked at it for a second, swallowed hard; next gaze to the elevator.

_Leave or stay…_

She frowned but finally made a step forward.

"Where are you going to?"

Will's voice stopped her immediately. She turned around, shrugged at him. His hair still carried on the trace of his sleep, vaguely messed up. It made her smile; she always found it sexy.

No getting the slightest answer, Will came closer and blinked; obviously confused by her absence of reaction.

"Where are you going to?"

"Nowhere…"

Her jacket slid down along her arm and landed quietly on the floor, very soon followed by her bag. Her murmur got lost in the few steps she made towards him and without any warming, she hugged him tight. Will responded immediately; kissed the top of her head, rubbed her back.

"Are you sure?"

_It's not just a matter of feelings but there's also this part _ fate or coincidence _ we don't control. _

_Fate or coincidence; control…_

She closed her eyes and buried her face in his neck; swallowed back a sigh.

"I guess so."


End file.
